I was thinking today that I was fairly parentified since I was a little kid, and I doubt it was just because my mother had a physical disability.  She was always pretty anxious around other people, so I would accompany her to the grocery store and other places, and I don’t think that she went very many places alone.  Yesterday she was really low, and was grateful when my Dad showed up apparently.  I haven’t seen her since Christmas, because I’ve just needed a break.  I’ve been with her everyday since she first fell, and that was mid-November.  That whole weekend was a blur and a wash.

I know that she wanted me to come see her today, but I have been sick, and I didn’t want to either.  I told her that I have to prep my class, and I do plan on finishing the syllabus and seeing if I can upload it.  I need to make a schedule too for when I can get readings done and prep classes.  I’m going to see if I can get the first month’s worth of readings done next week.  There are a couple of assessments that I also have to learn because I don’t give them in my day gig or private practice work, but I at least want to know how they were standardized and how to administer them.  I’ll be busy.  I want to teach this course every spring.  There are no guarantees for that, but student evaluations coming back favorably help ensure that it’s possible.

I can remember mostly really liking being a big sister.  I liked that role that I had for nearly five-years.  It’s so weird now to wonder how my brother would support this situation with my Mom.  I’m not sure…  I know that he was a sweet and loving kid, but he was also one of the most independent people who I’ve ever known, so I really don’t know how anything would have played out now that my Mom hasn’t been at home  in 6-weeks.  With working and visiting her every night and having two weekends with big scares, I’m feeling like it’s been way longer than six-weeks.

These dogs know their roles well

It’s funny how much is triggered when your parent is sick.  I have had all kinds of heavily triggered feelings come up from anger at my Mom for not even attempting to take care of herself to missing my brother more than I have in years.  My Dad has been more lucid lately, which is good.  I think that the shock of all of it has become better for him to manage.  He still can’t hear anything, but when you get his full attention, he tends to be fairly clear.  I’m hoping that my Mom has a good appointment with the urologist a week from Tuesday, and that she recovers quickly from surgery in late January.  Her surgery is scheduled for the day after my son’s 9th birthday.  I need the strength to be solid in my own parenting for the next month.